I don’t know

Amanda from Belgium

Six months, the nurse’s belly shows when she comes to bath and dress our Dolly every morning. The sonar clearly showed the sex of the baby and they wanted to know so that they could paint the room in a suitable colour, buy the right clothes and decide on a name, she says. Of course it will be a caesarian section, the date has been established because it fits in well with the plan for the year. She smiles. I smile. I understand…

A neat little box: common sense dictates, knowledge with certainty because it brings peace. Common sense is always ready with an answer, with a good reason for everything or a logical explanation. We choose this deliberately because we want to be able to say with certainty, to be in control, just like everyone else. Because, deep inside, unconciously, fear has built its nest – what if she is not normal like the others, what if something happens to him, maybe I will not be able to handle it, what if there is not enough money, maybe I have to give up my job…? Fear, fear, fear! The urge for security or to be in control and fear are strong twins.

But how does one live if nothing fits into the “head-space”, like our 25 years of ‘I don’t know world’ with our Dolly child? Don’t you want to know… what is wrong with her… why is she like this…why doesn’t she talk…what does she say… what is her prognosis…what is her life expectancy… does she have pain…what is wrong… is she cold…why does she do this…will she enjoy it…

I don’t know. I don’t know.

I really don’t know anymore.

From that first sonar up till today, she forced us out of our head space – no answers, no understanding, no explanation and in the end, no advice or creative ideas anymore. Just guessing, wondering, and speculating. To put it simply – to not be in control!

Where is the live-with-abundance-from-the-heart-model that everyone talks about as if it is sold in every health shop? How does one live from the heart if anger, frustration and despondency built a stone wall around the heart, when many a day is greeted with a grim mask or if the dog is taken for a walk to calm him while you are gnashing your teeth?  What to do with the buckets full of tears, gnawing feelings of guilt, saying that you are sorry seventy times seven…? Should I just begin again, be quiet, inhale slowly and deeply, stretch out my arms, embrace and hug her tightly, while my shoulder becomes wet with her saliva, kiss her face until she giggles and I laugh again?

We have learnt a hard lesson that to live is the art of living without answers.

Maybe, just maybe, living from your heart means that you choose every day to open your heart, to walk ahead without understanding or having the answers, to just love, to care and with an open hand release everything, to release everything into a strong, wide stream named Love, so that I can get to know Him better. And hopefully, I will become that stream of love from the heart.

My mind says I don’t know, but my heart says, it does not matter. 

Originally published in My Child and I, Winter 2019


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